The one with Mary travelling to Bethlehem on a Reindeer

Farewell Woolworths. It was good whilst it lasted. There was once a time when you could walk in and come out with some flying saucers, some non-drip white gloss, a new sailor outfit for your 6 month old niece, a toy car, de-icer for your real car, a Roy Chubby Brown dvd and a frying pan. Pretty much everything anyone would need in the average week. So where did it all go wrong? With everyone scared to walk past a discarded rucksack, there are few people who want to chance pick n mix with the sneezes of 24 passers-by on them. We don’t fry anymore, we grill for fear of a visit from the grim-reaper. Sailor boy outfits are gone in favour of Gap and DKNY Kids. Mr Chubby Brown is socially unacceptable. We all have uPvc windows and enough half-finished tins of paint to give the Severn bridge the once-over. Toy cars are a choking hazard and your local butchers is likely to sell the de-icer.

I can foresee one problem though – houses across the land will be ringing to the sound of four-letter expletives as everyone unpacks their Christmas tree lights to find one bulb has blown. Without Woolworths will Christmas become free of tack?

Every year we hear people complain that Christmas has lost its Biblical message. We hear it’s less about Mary and Joseph and more about Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh.

The thing is, Christmas is all about togetherness and Christmas tack is the glue that holds it all together. Middle-class Arga-users coast quietly around suburbs they’ve tried to avoid for the last 11 months as the children in the back of the BMW X3 stare out in jaw-dropping bewilderment at the 3-bed semi’s strewn from top to bottom with lights, inflatable santas and singing reindeer. People on a working lunch will sneer at the 12 inch high dancing Santa as it belts out a Bob Marley version of Jingle Bells in a nausiating loop, but they share a joke, crack a smile and the cogs of the working world will run a little easier. Travellers who would normally shout abuse at airline staff who have to inform them of fog, ice and delays will be softened by the fact the check-in staff have been forced to wear santa hats or plactic reindeer antlers that look like they’d be a bit too cheap to make it into the local Poundland.

So I have one Christmas Wish. I want to see more of this Christmas cross-pollenation. I want children struggling onstage with 6 fake legs on their lobster costume  in the school nativity. I want scenes of Mary travelling to Bethlehem on red-nosed reindeer. I want inflatable santas appearing from inflatable chimneys handing gifts to the three wise men. I want pictures of mangers in stables with a sleigh screaming across the sky above it.

With Woolworths disappearing in the new year we need to make an extra effort over the next few weeks. Lets keep the secular and sacred intertwined in a tacky composition of neon and warm electronics – it’s the only way to bring about the peace and harmony that lie at the heart of Christmas.

PS If you’re taking part in the Christmas cookalong, the turkey and sprouts should be doing nicely, but don’t forget to start boiling the ham ready for Boxing day now, and put a pan on ready for the Christmas pudding.