Baggy Trousers

I love reading the stranger news stories that slip under the radar during the week, and this week was no exception.

The Mayor of Louisiana signed a law this week to outlaw ‘saggy trousers’ in the US state this week. Not just this week. Forever, obviously. It was just that, you know, he signed the law this week.

I’m not sure what endeared the story to me more, the fact that in a country that advocates guns for all they’ve got time to ban those dangerous pesky jeans, or the fact that they guy calls them ‘saggy pants’. Therefore, over at BBC News online we have the caption, ‘White people wear sagging pants too – Mayor Carol Broussard’.

I’m not particularly against the saggy pants, but whilst we’re here, there are a few things I’ll be banning when I’m president*. Whilst I’m not overly afflicted at the sight of some guys grey CK underwear, can we have an automatic £80 fine for those thongs that are designed to be seen at least 3 inches higher than the waist? I’m also banning flip-flops – footwear of the level of engineering and comfort found safely in the sixteenth century – and t-shirts which make reference to a) previous decades and b) US states (unless you’re in the US).

It’s not just clothing that’ll fall by the wayside. Drinking those fluorescent alcopops must only be done in private residences under the strict supervision of a government inspector. Entry to pubs will only be granted to those who can answer a brief question on the correct use of apostrophes. Restaurants will only have those over 16 in them, and playgrounds are strictly for the under-14’s. Anyone caught in public with a phone which plays the Nokia ringtone will have their phone use restricted to weekends. People with walking sticks must walk on the right when walking down busy High Streets. Shopping malls will have a ‘Heelies-only lane’, and people will be forced to relieve themselves before entering public swimming pools.

Finally, there’ll be no more buses. Sorry everyone. They smell and create loads of pollution, and whenever I see one at the moment the people inside seem to be staring out of the window like they’re having some kind of fluid drained from their rear ends.

Vote me for president*.

* Obviously we don’t have a UK president, so I’m planning on starting my own republic. Look out for the recruitment ads.