Eggsactly as the Bible tells it

The BBC. The British Broadcasting Company. The world’s largest and, arguably, greatest public broadcaster. Today the BBC put on a fine Easter-based bit of quality programming which was only possible because, as that annoying boy scout-esque ad used to say, because of the unique way the BBC is funded.

Today, for those of you reading on Mars or more likely sometime in the mid-summer, is Easter Monday.

You can tell it’s Easter Monday by the change in surroundings. Only the garden centres are open. There’s wall-to-wall Disney films on television with multi-coloured furry animals, dinosaurs or lovable rogues (or ideally a combination of all three). All of the railways are shut whilst men in orange polish the tracks, or whatever it is they do to railway tracks, forcing everyone trying to do work to travel on the road with the fully-paid up members of the 5mph-middle-lane owners club.

Easter. The day when Jesus said all his people should give each other chocolate eggs. As I’m sure all Theologians would agree the Bible does mention a few other things, but generally it just states again and again pine trees for Christmas, and chocolate eggs for Easter – I’m sure there’s some nice pop-up editions with a nice picture or two.

And the BBC chose to enlighten us all this evening with it’s own telling of the Easter tale. As reliable as the Queen’s Speech’s place in the Christmas Day schedules, or E4 showing at least 4 episode of Friends each day, Eastenders will show something truly terrible on public holidays to make us all feel better.

Today some character called Max died, and rose again from the dead. See what they did there? Okay, so he was buried alive. He tried to call upon the great deity of mobile communications, but alas he was forsaken as the mud washed over him. Then, after a short passing of time he was unearthed and rose from the dead. There were a few moments of coughing as he emerged from unconsciousness, but within seconds he was running around, shouting and talking in that brand of Mockney accent taught to all graduates of Eastenders Comprehensive.

A brilliant idea, but I think they could do more. St George’s day is coming up, and I’d like to see Ian Beale deal a deftly blow to the dragon that terrorises the caff. They’ve missed St Patrick’s day for this year, but I’m sure next year there could be some sort of fracas at the Queen Vic, and Phil Mitchell could banish a threatening group of snakes from the square whilst Peggy screams the obligatory ‘Get out’a my pub’ that happens at least twice-weekly. Obviously they’d branch out in order to deal with as many holidays as possible, and whilst there are many orange women in the cast of ‘Enders (courtesy of the local pay-and-tan), when it comes to marking the Battle of the Boyne (a holiday in Ireland), there may be a shortage of orange men since Frank Butcher left.

So, for all those afflicted and affected by the affectations of the ‘Enders cast, here’s a nice relaxing picture to send you all back to work…