IKEA

Or, In Konclusion Eminently Awful – A homage to IKEA.

I seem to have a kind of bi-polar attitude about IKEA. My fascination for everything old-fashioned means that I should at this very moment be surrounded by green leather chairs and walnut sideboards, with a grandfather clock ticking away in the corner and deer hanging on the wall. In reality of course, it’s like I’m sitting in Ikea’s showroom surrounded by their glossy furniture with perfect right-angles. Somehow flat-pack furniture became fashionable, and now it seems to be the must-have furniture for people of our age.

We follow the little trail around the shop like it’s the yellow-brick road. You don’t go into Debenhams and get forced to look at every item they stock before you get to the one you want. Sainsbury’s don’t employ a man to hold up melons and lemons in front of you before you’re allowed to get near the watercress. Yet everyday we follow the trail around the store, side-stepping the teenagers who entered the store as toddlers but still can’t find their way out, and the arty women in floaty dresses cilcking their heels together and repeating ‘there’s no place like home’. When you do find something you want it’s out of stock, but they cunningly make sure you won’t ask a member of staff about it because it’s got a name no one can pronounce unless they have a degree in Esperanto. If you do manage to find your way out with your shopping, trying to get from the checkout to the car park is like trying to navigate the Panama Canal with old ladies who’ve lost control of their trolleys and burly men who’ve got an entire streets worth of furniture piled up in front of them.

Here are a few things to contemplate next time you’re in lost in Ikea. Being Swedish, ‘IKEA’ is an acronym like the country’s other big export ABBA, with the initials of the founder Ingvar Kamprad, and the place he grew up, Elmtaryd in the Parish of Agunnaryd. Ingvar Kamprad took a long time to open a store in Israel because of his links with certain German political organisations, although not as long as Ireland which is still waiting for the Ikea revolution. The Ikea brand is actually owned by a Danish company, and each store has to pay a 3% royalty to the brand owners. Ikea have recently commissioned an Ikea Hijab for its employees. If you do make it outside again, do check out the online Ikea Game, where you can guess the product from it’s name. Finally, if the thought of buying and building the stuff yourself fills you with dread and you’re lucky enough to live in Brighton you can always call on Flatpack Brighton who will buy and build your Flarke bookcase for you. Just remember, if you buy the Ikea house to keep hold of the little key to tighten the bolts every now and again.