Is it a bird? No, it’s a plane

A large number of people across the world are worried. Many are unsure if it’s a natural phenomenon, or how long it will last.

I can exclusively reveal that those white streaks across the previously clear blue skies and sightings of metal objects in the skies are the result of a new invention: the aeroplane.

The aeroplane, or ‘airplane’ as it will marketed in the US, is a method of transport allowing everbody immediate access routes to every country around the world.

Initially developed with the business user in mind, as with all technologies there will be side uses. For example, over-weight chain-smokers in tracksuits will be able to reach tacky beaches around the world to top up their orange tans.

The environment was always important during development. For this reason, a revolutionary seating design was developed with seats just a little too small for the human body. Based on a simple cattle truck, passenger sit almost on top of one another, which also adds an important cushioning factor in case of accidents.

The aeroplanes will take off from special shopping centres called ‘airports’ – there is no special noun for the European market at present. As well as selling travel essentials such as large quantities of alcohol, celebrity-endorsed fragrances and giant Toblerones, there will also be caterers selling low quality food stuffs at high prices.

Further details about this new revolution are still emerging. However, airlines realise that it may take time for the public to be convinced that air travel is safe. For this reason, all flights will begin with onboard staff illustrating the onboard safety devices. Should a plane plummet from 30,000ft there are several doors you can jump from. Every passenger also gets a large water wing, complete with a light and a whistle.

We will keep you updated with more details as we get them.