MP’s Expenses – MP for Lichgate South

NB: Today’s content has been syndicated from the blog of Boris Flarty-Smythe, MP for Lychgate South.

Dear Constituent,

I’m sure you’ll have seen the recent press coverage of MP’s expenses, and I wanted to just take a few moments of your time to set the record straight.

These are times of hardship for all of us. The world is facing an unprecedented crisis. Banks are in turmoil. Household bills are at an all-time high, and property prices are falling faster than a sky-diving elephant. Every single one of us faces uncertainty in our jobs and our situations.

I too am having to scale back. I know have only 3 gardeners. My swimming pool is only being heated Monday to Saturday, and my Moat is only being cleared once every other month.

Household bills are as certain as death and taxes (unless you’re an MP and you’re talking about Capital Gains Tax, obviously). I have turned the radiators down to number 3 in bedrooms 5 through to 12 in the East Wing, and now only put the immersion heater on for 12 hours a day in the South Wing of the House. We are all looking closer to home for food as increased transport costs affect even a small red pepper at the checkout. As a result, I have employed my 3 gardeners to convert 5 acres of my country estate into an allotment, and my 12 househ0ld staff are now fed exclusively by home-grown lettuces and potatoes.

In these days of hardship, rest assured every single one of these changes has reduced my outgoings. This is excellent news, particularly as all of these bills are part of my second home allowance and save you, the taxpayer money.

I have even sold my trouser-press on Ebay. My new ironing-maid will take up residence amongst the other household workers next Tuesday, and will be paid for 3 hours a day to ensure my trousers are crease-free at the minimum wage.

Remember – Vote Boris Flarty-Smythe at election time.