New Deathcreem

I remember Eddie Izzard doing a stint of stand-up about cosmetics for men. Not cosmetics for men per se. No. Not men standing side-by-side at the mirrors with lightbulb surrounds in a ‘banging’ club in a metropolitan city applying blusher and concealer. No. Moisturisers. Although there are probably many men out there going, ‘but they’re not cosmetics’ (they sort of are), the suggestion was that companies should give up on talking about softness and cleanliness and just have an ad opening with the line, ‘new death cream for men’.

Proof that someone has taken that to heart with cycle accessories, I give the ‘Kryptonite New York Chain’. No, not some samauri-defeating street weapon for gangland violence involving outcasts from the Village People, but a bike lock. Firstly, ‘Kryptonite’. Surely the superman comics are the preserve of the bespectacled geek-boy who has grown into a sporty adult with disposable income (although possibly some infringement of copyright – I’d investigate that Action Comics). Well, Clark Kent’s not giong to be getting your bike, but I’d watch out for a Mr Luther. Then there’s the idea of it being a ‘New York’ chain. Images of violence, of Andy Sipowicz in NYPD Blue endless investigating the homicides of bicycle ‘crims’ all over Greenwich village and Lower Manhatten. Like you outdoorsey guy is going to go, ‘hey, if it can withstand an attack on the streets of New York where they have Nasa laser-guided bolt cutters, it’ll be fine outside my semi- in Halifax’.

I present to you, the new death cycle lock… for men. Obviously.