No, bar code

“I’m sorry, I can’t do anything. You see it doesn’t have a barcode…”, the shop assistant says as her machine beeps with metronomic regularity as she continues to try to scan a satsuma which, as I believe she has already noted, does not have a barcode.

“They’re satsumas. They’re £2.99 a bag”, I offer helpfully. I had thought they were expensive (that works out at about 80p per little orange ball of juiciness), and now that they’re holding me and an entire queue of people up in a shop I really want to name (but won’t for reasons which will become apparent), I’m beginning to think they’re even more costly.

“Yes, I know. But without a barcode, there’s nothing I can do”, she replies whilst looking all around her like a helpless puppy having it’s posterior sniffed by a much larger dog. “You see, without a barcode, you can’t buy it”, she says. I want to explain that the courgettes went okay in their usual green outfit, rather than being stripey black and white. The bread too now I come to think of it.

Then she hits on a great idea and sets her green light to flashing red. Now we’re gonna see some action. Super assistant runs over looking so efficient she has been given her a headset to make her look as if she might actually have appeared in The Matrix films.

“Satsumas”, she says to the assistant wearily. “I know,” says the assistant, “but I’ve explained to him I can’t do anything without a barcode”. I’m willing to let it go that she’s just referred to me as ‘him’, but my mind really just wants an explaination of why she can’t do anything. Surely this kind of thing is in the training, just after the seminar on saying ‘Do you need any help with your packing’ to people who have only bought a dairy milk bar.

Eventually the problem is sorted. Feeling that someone should apologise for the delay, I chose to fill the ensuing silence with a sympathetic look to the queue, whilst remaining an air of confidence with only a dash of guilt and a splash of embrassment.

“It’s okay,”, says the lady behind me, “it gave me time to tell that assistant over there all the baguettes on the shelves are mouldy even though they’re still in date”.

Every little helps I suppose.