Popstar to Opera star – as it happens…

ITV – ‘Popstar to Opera Star’

8.59pm – Oh my God, this could be the most chavvy musical experience of my life. And I’ve seen The Honeyz and Bewitched

9.01pm – Yes. All fears realised.

9.02pm Mylene Klass and Alan Titchmarsh are presenting. Presumably this programme is at some point going to involve gardening whilst wearing M&S lingerie. I have to turn this off.

9.04pm It’s judged by Meatloaf???!!!  Right, that’s me hooked.

Mylene – ‘Most people train for years to become an opera star. Our guys will have just a few weeks’. Not everybody trains that long, Katherine Jenkins is giving it a stab.

9.06pm – Lawrence Ll-B ‘When opera is done really badly, it makes me angry’. Me too Lawrence… Let’s leave now.

9.10pm – The lovely Sarah: ‘If I had to make a programme about music that had to be really s*!t, this would be it’

9.11pm We meet Donny Osmond. Meatloaf and a Mormon? Can this get any better?

Now he’s singing. Oh yes, it’s the one from the cornetto ad – good call ITV, best not alienate your audience too early. Maybe all the songs will be from adverts. I look forward to the live final, where some B-list celeb does a rendition of ‘You can’t get quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter accompanied by full orchestra.

Meatloaf: ‘That dog was hunting, fella’… Ummm a bit Deputy Dawg maybe.
Kathryn reminds me of a teacher I met once…

9.15pm Ooh good. Ad break. Some pop-idol-does-bar-lounge-diva cd, then adverts involving ska music. My head is exploding with cultural cross-over.

9.20pm Kim Marsh… Didn’t she do something once? She appears to be composed of mosty eye-liner. I’d say she’s 90% eye-liner, 5% hair, and presumably 5% pure musical talent…

Ooh. It’s that one from the Stella ad. Brilliant! Hmm, it’s like Edith Piaf meets the woman from the Boddington ad. What’s worse than her French is the fact that she has a look on her face that suggests she’s only on this programme because the producers have kidnapped her kittens. Still, I can see her singing this on an advert at some point… The Wigan Worbler

What’s with all the clapping whilst she’s singing? Is there a golf match going on in the next studio?

9.24pm Wooohooo, it’s Alex James. He’s a puncher not a stroker? Sorry? You’re from Colchester, I think they’re all punchers from my time there… Alex always looks like a little lost puppy who’s been left out in the rain. It’s kind of like Boris Johnson on Vallium. Still, cheese-maker to operastar…

Hmmm. You know that bit where the kids pretend to sing on Aristocats… Actually, I think I’ve accompanied worse… But if he continues shaking his head like that, I’m worried it’ll fall off, especially dressed as he is as Mr Creosote from The Meaning of Life.

9.34pm Alan T ‘The only programme where stars perform for a tenner’ [Awkward pause]. Even Tommy Cooper would’ve thrown that one back!

9.36pm It’s someone from 90’s two-hit wonders Shakespeare’s Sister. Didn’t she hit the high notes in that song? How did it go… ‘staaay, wiiiithh, meeeeeeeeeee’. Yes, she can probably hold a note or two. My money’s on her being voted out this week.

I can’t help thinking when the ITV1 viewers go to the opera with their tokens cut out from The Daily Mail, they’re going to be surprised that the average ‘song’ lasts more than 60 seconds… I predict a riot.

9.40pm Oooooh. It’s Dannnnnnyyyy from McFly. And tonight, trying to make his transition from English Hanson member to genuine celeb, Danny from McFly.

Three notes in and we’ve got a wild pitch already… And why’s he dressed like a ‘pink lady’ from Grease? This is how I imagine opera at Glastonbury would go. I hope the orchestra aren’t too closely mic’d – there’ll be a few expletives from the orchestra as they try to fit in their notes before he decides to end a phrase…

9.46pm. I’ve officially made it more than halfway through (by 1 minute), and I have a choice now – either continue watching, or risk having to spend tomorrow replastering the bit of wall where I’ve been repeatedly banging my head for the last 46 minutes.

A quick scan of the ITV website, and I’ve seen who’d coming up over the remainder of the show. Bernie Nolan – she’s in the mood for dancing, romancing, and she’s giving it all tonight… Ummm: Pass. Vanessa White: Whoooo? And Darius – didn’t he take part in some ITV talent contest a while back? The only reason to keep watching is to see if his ponytail has grown legs and run off with the other rats…

So, Popstar to Opera Star? Big Fail.

Turning off: Click.