Superior State

Lake Superior State University in Michigan, who I assume are taking a week off from curing Cancer, global warming and developing a way for Barratt homes to build us emergency homes on the moon for when the dolphins finally take over (and trust me, it will happen soon), has published its 34th list of words that should be banished from our vocabularies. I’m not sure what is more shocking, that somehow the previous 33 lists have slipped under my radar or that a university, whose 1st year incomers generally use the word ‘dude’ in place of commars and phrase every sentence as a question, wants to lessen the words at everyones disposal.

I was reading the highlights over at The Guardian and a few surprises popped up.

Green. I really hope they spent some time explaining this one over at LSSU. We’re all annoyed at the overuse of ‘green’ as a badge of good intentions. That somehow Tory chief Gordon (is the) Camera-on can use an innocent five letter word with a Scrabble score of 6 to somehow suggest cycling along with a car driving at 4mph behind you is saving the planet. That said, I’d still like to be able to describe the colour of grass and have a euphemmism for describing someone who is seasick or a lizard.

First Dude. Sorry Superior State boffins, but I’m going to disappoint you here. I’ve never heard this term. Not once. Not in print. Not on television. Not on the radio. That said, I’m intending to use it from the moment Barrack eners teh White (I assume that word isn’t going the way of ‘green’) House. Probably simultaneously with a thumbs-up gesture. I’m going to use it at least once a day, until I get a really big bruise on my arm from Sarah hitting me every time.

Finally, there’s the use of Icon/Iconic. Now this is a tricky one. For a start there’ll be no need to worry about global warming and sea rising sea levels as every city across the globe will be hit wive a tidal wave formed from the tears of music critics and rock writers for whom no article is complete without at least seventy-six appearances of this word. Personally, I like the word. Not for it’s meaning, but because every time I see some twenty-something post-pubescent mess whose 15 minutes of fame are referred to as ground-breaking I find myself comparing them to either Audrey Hepburn or Steve McQueen. If they wouldn’t look cool motorycling across some German farmland in jeans and a t-shirt (and that’s just Audrey’s starring moment), then I find myself day-dreaming about the pre-has-been justifying their fame to Jim Morrisson and Buddy Holly. True, banning the word will cause the writing staff of Rolling Stone to become more creative, but the resulting tears will just generate a salty carpet for the dolphins to surf in on and take over the world, and trust me, we don’t want that.

What words would I ban? ‘Downturn’ for one – when, with the possible exception of Jacque Cousteau, has anyone in the history of the human race every changed direction downwards? There are dolphins down there you know. Furthermore, I’d like the word ‘unique’ stricken from the records. We live in a world of technology, interwebs and digital toothbrushes. Everything is copied, improved and handed in as a first year essay within seconds of its springing into the world so the chances of anything ever truly being unique are doubtful. You wait til the dolphins take charge – then you’ll see ‘unique’.