The one in which I don’t get very much sleep and get all grumbly

Firstly, congrats to Rebecca and on a fantastic wedding on Saturday in Southampton.

Sleep, according to Wikicentidia, is ‘a natural state of bodily rest observed throughout the animal kingdom’. Not last night it wasn’t. Not in Southampton. On New Road. Room 126. Probably the first few floors in fact. So probably rooms 101-301.

I’m not good at handling non-sleep. Some people can’t take their drink and become angry-drunks.  Well I become an angry-tired (I’ve only just realised how ironic it is we don’t have a word to describe someone who is tired).

Of course, the body doesn’t actually need sleep. The heart will keep ticking. The stomach will keep churning. The liver will keep… livering. It’s only the brain that needs sleep. I say ‘only’, but it’s actually quite a big thing really. I know this because between 12am and 4:20am-ish this morning I had plenty of time to contemplate this as I stared at the ceiling.

I’m not quite sure how Travel Premier Lodge Inn managed to not notice the half-dozen hippopotamus’ checking in to the room directly above me. I’m guessing they were as bamboozled as I was by their quasi-asian quasi-russian accents as I was and let them in – although I had at least 3 hours of listening material to study. The excellent stereo effect created by some of them being above my room and some of them directly oustide my room in the car park afforded an excellent opportunity to study their words in their natural habitat. A poor opportunity for sleep mind you. Sadly.

These sleep-stealers then set about showering. Constantly. I can only assume they were trying to use the shrivelling effect a super-long shower has in order to fit into some kind of small car. A Daewoo Matiz probably. Yes, that would be the vehicle of choice for hippotomii-sleep-stealers. They were probably lined up taking turns to shrink, prune-like in the shower as it ran CONSTANTLY between 2 and 3:20am. Yes, and the queue would explain the TAP DANCING on that shook through the floor as they jiggled with part-excitement, part-boredom.

Finally, at around 4:30am I heard a car door slam, and off went the hippopotamii with a boot full of my sleep. I assume they were catching an early morning flight. Possibly a train, but I believe trains don’t run anymore unless it’s a Tuesday, there’s a prevailing wind and the humidity conditions are just right.

So, if anyone out there sees some hippopotamii carrying a large cardboard box marked ‘stolen sleep’, please let me know. Don’t approach them, obviously, as they are experienced sleep-stealers who could rob you blind of your sleep before you realise. Just report their whereabouts to me, and I can try to reclaim the sleep that was so cruelly STOLEN from me on August 16th.

Two words people: Be Vigilant.