The Post of Christmas Present: Part 1

It’s that time of year again. Local newspapers carry a myriad of stories of councils removing all references of ‘Christ’, ‘Xmas’, ‘Christianity’ and ‘Jesus’ in the name of political correctness. Of course, if it were true, all you’d be left with is the holiday season of ‘_[blank]_’, and the Daily Mail would probably come up with a headline about immigrants living in gap left by the removal of the word ‘Christmas’ in homes built by Polish builders.

The official start of my little Christmas series is marked by tales of woe from members of the public visiting ‘Lapland village’. The BBC has been awash with consumers venting their anger that the huskies weren’t cute enough, the snow wasn’t deep enough, the elves seemed a little grumpy, and Santa wasn’t jolly enough.

Of course, their first mistake was going to Lapland on the Dorset-Hampshire border. Dorset’s not really known for deep snow, reindeer and husky-racing. I’m sure as a small child I’d have saved on postage if I’d know Lapland was really just a little way down the road from Hythe. To be honest, I’m impressed these poor little naive Nigel’s didn’t end up in a Stringfellow institution by just blindly going to any old Lapland. You’d need to be careful about sitting on Santa’s knee in that situation I suspect.

It has, of course, been of amazing benefit to raising everyone’s Christmas spirit. If there is such a thing as a national pastime, I’d put moaning well above cricket and tea-drinking any day. We didn’t win the war because of Spitfires or bombs, we won it because those people in Anderson shelters were so desperate to finish their arguments and have a good moan with Mrs Jones at No.48 that there was no way something like the Blitz was going to stop them.

So, here’s a bit of advice: Leave the children at home and go and do something tacky to kick-start your Christmas. It’s not just the turkey that needs a few hours somewhere warm before it’s ready for Christmas, start the arguing early and the temperature will be just right by December 25th.

Bah! Humbug!

PS If you’re taking part in my Christmas Day cookalong, it’s now time to start the sprouts simmering if they’re going to be ready by 2pm on the 25th.