The seven-point guide to tv property developing

Like a rash of blotchy spots on the bald head of a man allergic to pigeons who, all of a sudden, finds himself with several of the feathered critters on his shiny head, you can’t have helped noticing the bedazzling array of property development shows on TV. From excessively frumpy ‘mummy’s gals’ to ex-Marine housewives-favourites, and every shade of Beeny and camp Scotsmen in between, everyone in TV land wants us to make money from bricks and mortar. So here’s my one-stop guide to get ahead in the world of TV property developing:

  1. When being interviewed, always stand awkwardly with your hands away from your body like you have 2 hamsters under your armpits. This will ensure you take up that extra bit of screen space, and create a ‘fly-on-the-wall’ ‘warts and all’ style of filming.
  2. When appearing with your partner you must always be at least 50cm away from them at all times – even if holding hands. This is clearly what all money-driven property-types are like.
  3. Dress to stereotype. The man must always be wearing an old polo shirt and faded jeans, whilst the woman must have a recently topped-up fake tan, a simple but designer summer dress and pearl necklace – you are made of money and need to show it.
  4. Completely ignore the advice of your given expert. Yes, they may have made millions of pounds from this kind of stuff, yes you may have asked for their advice, but remember – you know best. If you think pink walls and green carpets will sell your house, go for it! Remember: if it goes wrong the producers will never show it and no one will ever know.
  5. Set yourself a restrictive budget. Nothing ever goes wrong, and that hole in the roof will always make an interesting selling feature. Seriously – engineers are worry-worts – they expect the worst – and builders are really angels who work for free.
  6. Remember: Image is everything. Not in terms of the interior – people like the 5 year-old DFS look, so don’t worry if all you have to furnish your ultra-swankey 22nd century bachelor-pad is a faded Laura Ashley flower-print sofa with a small baby-vomit stain on the left arm and a dog-chewed cushion. Just make sure your hair is constantly cut so that you look exactly the same every time the film crew visit over the 12 month project.
  7. Finally, and this is the big one, make it seem like money means nothing. After months of arguing with the expert you will be told how much you’ve made, and you need to make it seem like it’s just pocket money. If you were expecting 80k and they say you’ve made 150k, just say ‘that’s nice’, or ‘that’s not too bad’. If they only say 72k, remark that ‘that’s not really very much for 4 months of just sitting on my backside and watching Eastern Europe’s finest bashing bricks together’. Remember the golden rule: you’ve got to make it seem like you’re just gambling thousands on property developing for a laugh – you don’t need the money.

All in all, I think I’ve got most of it covered – though I’m sure I’m missing one or two rules there. One final thing – if you are visited by a male/female duo, just say ‘no’ if they mention trampoline shots or drinks in the hot tub…


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