Turning 30 *Groan*

Part 1 of an almost-certainly erratic series.

So, word has it I have a birthday coming up soon. And I have to say, word is right. Being a life-affirming optimist realist, I’ve begun to notice that rather like a car past its running-in period, there are a few signs of cracks around the edges as the years increase.

That said, there are very few things so far about heading towards 30 like an English olympic skier – by which I mean in the manner of an uncontrollable snowball, accellerating with gravity with bits of leg or arm ocassionally peaking out from the edges – that have been bad.

There is one notable addition to my otherwise smooth running – I’ve become aware lately of random involuntary noises. It’s something that kind of crept up on me. I can’t stand up or sit down without groaning. At first it was a simple exhilation of delight, a sort of ‘ooh’ that suggested that my new resting position was agreeable.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, it began to build its part. The ‘ooh’ turned into ‘oooooohhh’ as I gently lower myself down having put my hands on the seat first (when did that start happening?) as if I somehow need to check the chair is actually there first. Then, almost inevitably, it turned into a ‘haarruummphhh’, lowering in pitch with my height relatively to the chair, and finishing off with an ‘aahhh’ – like I’ve never sat anywhere so comfortable in my life.

The lovely Sarah thinks it’s endearing, but I can’t help worrying as I enter my 4th decade that it’s only a matter of time before I need to start planning ahead before undertaking such a manouvre, or else set-up a base-camp part way to my cushioned comfort. It’s like that picture of the evolution of man, but in reverse.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, there are other involuntary noises.

I can easily find myself humming a song as I walk down the street. I react with a sigh or other glottal noise at television programmes. And I find myself putting my fingers in my ears and screaming ‘la la la’ whenever I hear Janet Street Porter talking, although I suspect that everyone does that and it’s unrelated to my turning 30.