Why I hate yellow…

Or rather, why I hate something yellow so much I’m beginning to think global warming and vegetarianism are good things.

I like the countryside, that much is clear, but there is an evil occupation that’s going on. It’s the crop equivalent of Hitler’s long weekend in Poland. Where once Parry wrote about England’s ‘green and pleasant land’, Rapeseed is now beginning to have the same affect on my view of the countryside as the piano tuner used to have on our television whenever he visited and started fiddling with the television remote control.

I don’t object to the colour yellow per se, I’m quite partial to yellow Jelly Babies and wine gums, but seeing fields awash with it is making me see red. I hate Rapeseed. I hate hayfever. I hate asthma. Unfortunately I have to live with all three, but if I had to evict just one of them, I know which one it would be. Despite what Wikipedia thinks, I can categorically state that this little yellow weed does indeed make me both sneezy and wheezy. Whilst nice in an alliterative sort of way, they do get in the way of me actually getting things done.

So much is my hatred of this yellow decendent of Jerry, I’m actually beginning to think global warming might be a good thing. You see, rapeseed is used to form biodiesel. If I want to drive green I have to suffer more of this stuff. So the planet lives, but I will either a) die, or 2) be housebound forever more. So I beg everybody – a vote for avoiding biofuels is a green vote. A vote for green not yellow fields.

It gets worse. This yellow relation of mustard (I also hate mustard by the way), is also used as animal feed. What’s wrong with the green stuff that grew in abundance in fields that men on horse-drawn farm machinery used to use to feed cattle? Oh yeah, we got so hungry we needed more cows and therefore more cow-food. The answer? Less cows. I was vegetarian at uni. Linda McCartney’s sausages really aren’t that terrible. Hayfever sufferers unite and go forth and spread the gospel of vegetarianism so we can rid the country of this yellow stuff.

Better still, drive your car around in circles near the fields, and the greenhouse gasses will kill the cows off too. The cows produce greenhouse gasses too by the way, so just think of it as carbon offset.

So there you have it. Global warming and vegetarianism are good. Even The Guardian agrees (sort of). Who’d have thought it?