Your feet’s too big

There are many things in life that you can do to make things difficult. Like trying to perform brain surgery wearing oven gloves. Or paint a copy of The Last Supper using a 3 inch brush and Dulux paint.

There are also things in life that are made more difficult because of things beyond your control. Like wanting to be a trapeze artist but you have vertigo. Or wanting to be a Bobby Davro impersonator, but you have a cracking sense of humour and speak in received pronunciation.

Or you try to do something sporty but are 6’3 and have size 13 feet.

I’m sorry, but I’m just too far away from my feet to make most sports workable. The broadband that you are using to read this will be slower the further your router is from the wall socket. Similarly, the response of my feet and legs is slower as my head is further away than with the average person.

Cycling works well for me. I can jump, go for miles without hands (including cornering) and do all the tricks the average 12 year old can do on a mountain bike. This is where my feet work perfectly. They just take it in turns to push down. And they only occasionally rub against the front wheel going round corners because they’re so stupidly long.

As a result of all of the feet I have, it’s very rare that I’ve owned a set of trainers. Walking shoes: yes. Trainers: no.

But it’s been sales time in the shop – the happy time for all us clothing freaks. The tall, the short, the fat, the thin – all of the extremes of body shapes can proudly approach the sale rail and find an Aladdins cave of great deals. So too those of us with big feet.

It was the end of the trainer sale in the sports department. Only the shoes on display were left, with only single sizes left over. As a result, the sales assistant seemed surprised to see someone trying trainers on – there were only size 7s and 12/13s left.

And now I own some running trainers. I am going to run. I shall be a runnist. I only mention this because, if you happen to see someone moving fast with legs flailing around, with an expression on his face like he’s trying to do really hard maths and an army assault course at the same time – it’s probably just a 6’3 person with size 13 feet trying to make his feet do something they haven’t done since he was 16.

Be nice to the freak feets.